If it was meant to be...

Is it unreasonable to think that my baby may have needed to "fall back" because this thing between us was becoming too much? I had to look myself in the mirror and come to grips with the fact that I am high maintenance. Yes I said it, at times (okay maybe more often then not) I need attention. With this truth surfacing I could not help but to ask myself, "How can I expect him to give me (the person he knows) attention? When I have not been (100%) honest with him about who I am?"

Two weeks ago he told me that I am sad. I just laughed it off and told him that he was trippin. Huh, me sad...about what? When in reality my silent voice cried out. It wanted to be heard, in that moment, I wanted to have enough gumption to say, "Yes, baby, I am sad; and it’s not because you aren't here. It is because I am not here. I am not sure if I ever was, present that is, in life, in special moments. I have lived 26 years letting others live for me, because that is what is easiest. I have never taken responsibility for the good or bad that I have accomplished, rather, I let people feel in the voids for me. The funny ones are my humor. The pretty girls, they are my beauty; and the stylish, are my creativity. And you, you are my smile; and that dear, just isn't good enough."

A friend asked me if I was being reasonable about the way I was feeling toward the situation (I was feeling disrespected, unwanted, taken for granted). He asked me if this was fair to my baby. He said, "If he cares about you, and he knows you, like you think he does (even with you not revealing your true self). What do you think he is going through? Knowing that you are here, in most instances alone (your family live thousands of miles away and most of your friends have moved) with out anyone to lean on. Don't you think that it is probably killing him that he can't get to you in your time of need?" He continued, "What about him. Have you ever stopped to think that it is easier for him to feel 100% alone than to know you care about him, but can't comfort him in his time of need?"

I listened to this friend of mine who has been right about so many other things in my life. And I realized that this situation was not about me. My Baby can't get to me, when I needed him to be here. He is alone, hustling, struggling, and I can't be there for him. So maybe this makes the most sense, to take some time. We both need to figure out who we plan on being, and what we are supposed to do. I didn't give him the opportunity to do that after the separation of what he thought could last forever (with that girl). It is only fair and reasonable for me to let him sort it out.

He is my dream, caring so much about so much, and carrying the "world" on his shoulders. That is what I began to fall in love with. But I have to admit, that it is not fair to add to the load.
My mother taught me that the point of relationships was to help the other person (that you coexist with) carry their load; and as much as I know he is everything I have wanted...I am not equip to assist in carrying his load, because of my absence, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But you know what they say. If it was meant to be it will be...

What is wrong with who I am?

For the past hour and a half I listened to my friend tell me what was wrong with me. She said, "People think that you are stuck up. They always ask me 'what is wrong with her?' And I don't really know what to say.

So I asked her what are some of the things that I need to change. She says that I am not approachable, and that I will never get a husband that way, because I don't keep my mind open when it comes to getting to know the quiet guy in the corner.

I say that I shouldn't have to change who I am. I am comfortable in my skin. Why should I have to morph into something that I will not be comfortable in? However I will take the valid points into consideration. If I need to learn tact, I am willing to do it. If I look at people crazy, I will learn to discontinue the screw face.

But I WILL NOT under any circumstance change who I am. I like me. My friends like me. So those "people" can take their opinion and shove it; because I have friends, and I don't need new ones. And if my husband never gets to meet me because he is passing judgment on me, good, cause I never wanted to be married to him anyway!

Just a quick ramble

When the stars are aligned in your favor,
am I the first person you think to call?

When grey clouds consume your day, and darken your prospects
am I the first person you decide to tell?

Are my arms the first ones you run to?
My shoulder the first you want to lean?
My lips the first you need to kiss?

Am I the first?

The first thought in your mornings break
last mention in your minds dwellings, right before dreams creep into the night.

Am I,

Some say, you can't be first to anyone else until your first to yourself.
Well, that is done.

I have taken myself to the edge of reason an come back to the present a bright, beautiful, positive woman.

I have looked deep into depths of heart and claimed a love for myself stronger than Sampson's arm.
And after all of this growth
do I still have to ask if,

I am

The Protagonist in your dreams,
the ones you can't seem to get enough?

Cause that is who I need to be.

And I am terrified that you could be that first for me.

I wish I knew how to hold back
but my gaurd is down now, and I can't get it back

my swagger is gone
my mysterious eyes now stare into reality,

And you know the real me.
That is scary

Damn that is scary, I never wanted it to get this deep.
Never new what you would become to me
I continue to push you away...
I am sorry for not knowing any other way.

Please tell me I am over reacting,
Over analyzing.

I know that you do care about me
your expressions just aren't how I want them to be
how I need them to be.

Damn it, talk to me.

Why won't you just talk to me.

Tell me everything I want to hear, and some things that may make me cry.
But it isn't in your way to make me hurt.
I do appreciate that.

But i can't help to sit in my insecurities, and wonder.

If i am the first.

I know what I am supposed to do

So...I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life. I know that once I reveal this astute revelation, all of me will be visible to the world, and I will no longer be mysterious. Okay, who am I kidding...I was never mysterious; but once I scream my life’s goal (only for right now that is) from the mountain tops (or just post it on my blog). You will probably look at me as a shallow person, but I will change your mind.

So what is this revelation?

You are reading the blog of the future Senior Vice President of Media and Artist Relations for Island Def Jam. Yes ladies and gentleman. That is what I plan on doing with my life. Don't get me wrong, I have other goals and aspirations, but as for my career goal, that is what I am going to do. There are no if and's or but's about it. So now that you know what my revelation is, let me explain how I came to this.

When I was 16 years old (senior in high school), I got into my friends car, she was giving me a ride home from school like she did everyday, she popped in a tape (yeah tape, that was before CD's) I heard "I'm feeling it, fill the glass to the top with Moet. I'm feeling it, feel the lex pushing up on the set, feel the high that cha get from the la, if you feel it raise your hands to the sky." And I said, "turn that sh*t off, what is that crap." She looked at me and said, "N*gga, that's Jay-Z, he is hot." I replied, "Yeah, whatever." And with the worst attitude ever stuck my lip out and silently protested the song the whole way home. From that day on we listened to that tape. Every morning I protested until I stopped being stubborn for a second and opened my ears, there was one line that I couldn't shake. It appears in the very song that I turned my nose up to, so profoundly I learned a lesson that would set the stage for a wonderful relationship.

The Man states, "If every nigga in your clique is rich your clique is rugged, Nobody will fall cause everyone would be each others crutches I hope you fools choose to listen I drop jewels..."

I looked at my girl, and said, "What did he just say?" she laughed and repeated it.

(She knew every word, like it was her religion or something)

"Do you know how profound that is?"

She looked at me a laughed, "You are so funny." She said, "Maybe if you take your nose out of the air for a second you'll learn something."

The next day (a Saturday) I went to Rasputin’s (a record store in the Bay) and bought Reasonable doubt. And listened to it over and over again. I became a Jay-Z lover, quick. As I listened to the music though, I became curious. If he has all of these things to say, and he just started (it was 1996) who paved the way for him?

Of course I knew of the obvious rap artists, 2pac, Biggie, L.L.Cool J, but who else? I started going through all of my sister’s old 45" record collection, and I found Run DMC, The Beastie Boys, Slick Rick and others. I began to listen, and what unfolded was my life. I was black, duh; anyone looking at me could see that. I was too busy being caught up in the grudge and alternative scene to see that. I learned that it was a good thing to be black, that we were creative, and determined. We were born and bread to be hustlers...it was in our blood, our ancestors had put it there.

I didn't grow up poor, or in a bad neighborhood, but I did grow up hungry, hungry for more than was given to me. Through hip hop music I learned how to turn this hunger into ambition, into dreams, into reality. That is why I will work for Island Def Jam one day. Because I love hip hop music.

I was born in 1979 the year that the first hip hop song hit the air-waves, I am a child of the generation, it only makes sense for me to work for the company that built it. I believe in hip hop music, that is why I should be the one to promote it. Help the artists old and new gain exposure in a media controlled world. We have been saturated with garbage; I want the job of bringing a consistent melody to the chaotic clutter that bombards or radios.

Yep, I will be the Senior Vice President of Media and Artist Relations at Island Def Jam Music Group, just you wait and see.

All is in me

Is there a way to clear a silent voice? Or a method to make myself heard in this world. My eyes are open, and I take in life. I listen to every sound the earth produces and dream of my presence being known. Yet I feel like there is no one taking notice.

I didn't grow up poor, my father was always there for me, as my mother was also. I have always had everything I have ever wanted, however I want so much more.

Everyone in my life, has settled. My mother, has settled for taking care of her family, and found happiness in doing so. My father has worked hard everyday of his life, and I have never asked them if they passed up there dreams to support the family.

My sisters seem unhappy in professions that are not fulfilling. I need more.

I wanna wake up every day happy. Happy because I have the career of my dreams, and it is living up to my expectations. Happy because I can trust myself to make the right decisions, and I have no guilt. I wanna wake up everyday happy...because the pieces of my life have finally been put together. My friends are loyal, and I never have to question motive. Happy because I have finally found my voice, my passion, my style...my place in this life.

I can't wait until that day arrives...