When

I first must say, that it has been a really long time since I have expressed my thoughts in this arena...please excuse the delay. I have been absent partly because school kicked my ass this semester. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Everyone kept telling me that this is what would happen. I personally think it unfair for an institution to stress a person out to the point of suicidal thoughts after the student has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. In my opinion it is just wrong. Well, enough of that chatter. I guess I will get to the real reason I visited this dusty blog today.

I needed a place to express my feelings, as most do when they type here. You see, I have NY dreams. I am being held back by three things; Spanish 202, Economics 219, and Math 104 (yes I am taking 104). These three classes have helped to defer my dreams for three months while I take summer school. It's a drag. Summer in NY is the best thing in the world. If you have never spent the summer there I highly suggest doing it. Especially if you are in your twenties...there is nothing like it. Friday work days end at noon, long weekends in the Hamptons, Festivals coming out of your ears, shopping in Soho...and the list goes on and on. I want to be there so bad right now. I can feel it in my bones, from my toes to the tip of the longest hair on my head...I want to be in NY.

I almost made it there, I even have a job offer. My plan was in full swing, then I decided to be responsible. I guess that is a good thing, seeing that I have never been responisble my whole life. Maybe that's why this is eating at my core. I have always gotten what I want, when I wanted it. Never had to wait, never was told no. Maybe that's why sitting in Oakland for the summer makes me want to scream. Maybe that is why my family keeps telling me that I am being hyper sensitive about everything.

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!!

The little girl inside of me is throwing a hissy fit. When I am bored I think of ways to get to NY by June 5 (that is the day I am supposed to start work). The reality is, there is no way. I need to finish these classes, so that my life will be legit (for once).

I should be proud of myself for being responisble, for taking the right path and not going left like I am prone. I guess I will see how I feel at the end of the summer. I am never satisfied...When? When will I be satisfied with real life, with responsiblity, with the decisions that I make. If not now, then when?