If it was meant to be...

Is it unreasonable to think that my baby may have needed to "fall back" because this thing between us was becoming too much? I had to look myself in the mirror and come to grips with the fact that I am high maintenance. Yes I said it, at times (okay maybe more often then not) I need attention. With this truth surfacing I could not help but to ask myself, "How can I expect him to give me (the person he knows) attention? When I have not been (100%) honest with him about who I am?"

Two weeks ago he told me that I am sad. I just laughed it off and told him that he was trippin. Huh, me sad...about what? When in reality my silent voice cried out. It wanted to be heard, in that moment, I wanted to have enough gumption to say, "Yes, baby, I am sad; and it’s not because you aren't here. It is because I am not here. I am not sure if I ever was, present that is, in life, in special moments. I have lived 26 years letting others live for me, because that is what is easiest. I have never taken responsibility for the good or bad that I have accomplished, rather, I let people feel in the voids for me. The funny ones are my humor. The pretty girls, they are my beauty; and the stylish, are my creativity. And you, you are my smile; and that dear, just isn't good enough."

A friend asked me if I was being reasonable about the way I was feeling toward the situation (I was feeling disrespected, unwanted, taken for granted). He asked me if this was fair to my baby. He said, "If he cares about you, and he knows you, like you think he does (even with you not revealing your true self). What do you think he is going through? Knowing that you are here, in most instances alone (your family live thousands of miles away and most of your friends have moved) with out anyone to lean on. Don't you think that it is probably killing him that he can't get to you in your time of need?" He continued, "What about him. Have you ever stopped to think that it is easier for him to feel 100% alone than to know you care about him, but can't comfort him in his time of need?"

I listened to this friend of mine who has been right about so many other things in my life. And I realized that this situation was not about me. My Baby can't get to me, when I needed him to be here. He is alone, hustling, struggling, and I can't be there for him. So maybe this makes the most sense, to take some time. We both need to figure out who we plan on being, and what we are supposed to do. I didn't give him the opportunity to do that after the separation of what he thought could last forever (with that girl). It is only fair and reasonable for me to let him sort it out.

He is my dream, caring so much about so much, and carrying the "world" on his shoulders. That is what I began to fall in love with. But I have to admit, that it is not fair to add to the load.
My mother taught me that the point of relationships was to help the other person (that you coexist with) carry their load; and as much as I know he is everything I have wanted...I am not equip to assist in carrying his load, because of my absence, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But you know what they say. If it was meant to be it will be...