I wish I knew what to do

This weekend, Friday night/Saturday morning to be exact a close friend of mine decided to confess his undying love for me. I mean, I never thought that this would be a problem, but it turns out that this truth is a HUGE problem.

I always knew that he had a bit of a crush on. Okay, I'll be honest; I thought that he just wanted to ____ me. But after our conversation I know its so much more than that. He told me that he "sees" me. He said that I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman. He SAID that he wants to marry me. Every word he said spilled off of his lips and into my reality; I wish he would have kept it to himself. I now feel like a huge weight has been placed on my shoulders. I don't know what to do with the information.

"I am in Love with you." Those are words that I have always wanted to hear, I have prayed about and wished for them. I guess the saying is true. "Be careful what you wish for." I now wish I knew what to do with them. He is the sweetest guy and he only wants whats best for me. When we talked that night, he said that he would take care of me and that is what he dreams about. He told me that he will never get married unless he marries me.

This whole situation is crazy and I have no idea how to react. in 2001 I fell in love with my college sweetheart. He was everything that I thought I wanted in a man. There was only one problem, he didnt love me. We dated for two years and he never could say that he loved me. He would tell me that I was a great person and that I was beautiful; in those two years I never understood how he could say those things but never feel love for me. He told me I deserved someone that would love me the way I needed to be loved. It was the worst possible situation because I felt that the only person that could love me like that was him. I didn't understand how he could think that I was so great but not be able to love me. I also never thought of how I was making him feel. However, after Friday's conversation everything has changed.

I know exactly how my ex-boyfriend feels. I know that he is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. He sat there in my love and soaked it up for two years. If he was any kind of man, he would have walked away, given my heart a clean break in the beginning. I think that is exactly what I have to do in this situation. I have to walk away...

Just venting

Update! I am no longer on Yaz!!!! YAAAAAY! I feel 100% better. I transitioned onto the Nuvaring and it is so much better. I would go into detail but I think that may be TMI. Okay, so now that that's done...

I have found a new addiction to twitter. I think that its very interesting how in breaks down the 4th wall. I find that I am on it more often than not. I have taken a step back from facebook because it is way too crowded these days. I am getting at least 3 friend requests everyday. That is way too many. Especially because Facebook is a very personal platform. I need to reset my security settings because there are way too many randoms digging me up. I mean there are some people that I am happy to get in contact with again, like my old friend/sister Kelly.

Kelly was a girl that my mom babysat for about 4 years and we were inseparable. We went everywhere together, she was definitely my best friend. Then we lost contact. I haven't seen or heard from her in about 18 years. Facebook made it possible for us to reconnect and I do appreciate that. But then there are the people that you would rather leave in the past. Like Darren.

Darren was the boy that LOVED me in high school. He was the guy that everyone avoided because he was very annoying and he always went a little bit too far. I guess some things never change. I am feeling lightweight stalked. I accepted when he originally sent me a friend requested me. But then he kept poking me and sending messages, commenting on my pics. I decided to delete him. But now, I get a friend request from him at least once a week. VERY ANNOYING!!!

This brings me back to my original point. Twitter is much better. Sure people can follow you and they know what you are doing but at least you don't have to interact with them if you don't want to. Its easier to ignore the bug-a-boo's.

Done with my rambling thanks for reading.

My Birth Control Sucks

It's official, Yaz, SUCKS!!!!

I have been using this form of contraception for 6 weeks now and I have never felt worse. It makes me need to go pee way too much my skin has gotten worse and to top it all off. My emotions are out of whack. I can't wait until I can transition on to something else. I have been so defensive lately and I haven't been able to let things roll off of my back like I usually do.

I lost my iPod today. Left it on the plane that I took from San Francisco to Las Vegas and I feel absolutely horrible. I am very sad and I really want to cry. There is really no explanation for this most people would be mad or irritated but I am really sad about it. I feel like someone just told me that someone died or that a loved on is in the hospital. These feelings are not normal and I can only blame it on the Yaz. I need to shake this feeling off, and quickly because I have a fun filled week a head of me and sadness has no place on this trip.

Don't forget to remember me.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out and trying not to be emotional, but its too late. I guess I am going through a tough case of "mid-life crisis." I downloaded some new music onto my iTunes one of them is a song by Carrie Underwood called, "Don't Forget to Remember Me."

The lyrics have me all choked up. Its a song about a girl leaving home at 18. I think this song makes me emotional because it brings me back to the day when my mother left me in Atlanta, GA. I remember being in the parking lot of Beckwith Hall (my dorm) on the campus of Clark Atlanta University. We stood there on the hot summer day and I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her. Then she got in the rental car and drove away. It was a short sweet goodbye, but that's exactly what it was...Goodbye.

My mother was leaving me on my own in a world that was foreign to both of us. I wont admit it to her but they were both right (my parents). I was not ready to go, I was not disciplined enough, and I definitely lost my way. I am happy that I went to college, for the friends and the memories. But, and its a huge BUT...I am sad that I have not lived up to the expectations that my parents had for me. I am a great disappointment to my family and I have reached a point of redemption.

All I want now from my life is to do better, show appreciation, ask for help, work on being patient. I don't think that I will ever be able to pay my parents back for the sacrifices that they have made. I do hope that I will be able to turn into the child they hoped for me to be. I want to be the daughter that my mother left in Atlanta, GA on that August day in 1999. I need to get back to innocence. Go back to my roots.

Please see the lyrics to Carrie's song below:
18 years had come and gone
For momma they flew by
But for me they drug on and on
We were loading up that Chevy
Both tryin' not to cry
Momma kept on talking
Putting off good-bye
Then she took my hand and said

"Baby don't forget:
Before you hit the highway
You better stop for gas
And there's a 50 in the ashtray
In case you run short on cash
Here's a map and here's a Bible
If you ever lose your way
Just one more thing before you leave
Don't forget to remember me"

This downtown apartment
sure makes me miss home
and those bills there on the counter
Keep telling me I'm on my own
And just like every Sunday I called momma up last night
And even when it's not, I tell her everything's all right
Before we hung up I said
"Hey momma, don't forget:
to tell my baby sister I'll see her in the fall
And tell me-maw that I miss her
Yeah, I should give her a call
And make sure you tell Daddy that I'm still his little girl
Yeah I still feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be
Don't forget to remember me"

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven't done this in a while So I don't know what to say
but Lord, I feel so small sometimes in this big ol' place
Yeah, I know there's more important things,
but Don't forget to remember me
Don't forget to remember me

I Speak Your Name

This morning I woke up and realized that today was the day of change, the day of love, the day of new. I woke up and saw the sun and knew that it was time to embrace my life for the way it is and for the way it will soon become. Thankfully my cousin has Oprah's Legends Ball eternally saved on her TiVo box. I woke up and thought, "Hmmm, maybe I will watch that."

And boy am I glad that I did. Although I have watched it four, five or six times this time was different then all of the rest. It eternally changed me!

I looked at all of the woman that were honored and felt filled with joy for the "youngins" that got to be in the room with the "legends." There was a part during the luncheon when Dr. Maya Angelou said something that struck a cord in my heart. She told the "youngins" that in 20 years there would be a group of women that would want to honor them. At that moment the tears began to fall as I thought of the women that were in the room. From Phylicia Rashaud to Alicia Keys and then something happened. The camera panned the room and focused on Michelle Obama. I have watched this special several times and never once did I notice my First Lady standing in that room. The fact that in the short time from when the special first aired till now, she has gone from being the wife of the junior senator from Illinois' wife to the First Lady of the United States of America was overwhelming for me to comprehend. I saw her and realized that she is a legend.

The First Lady of the United States of America, and she is a Black woman, WOW! Just as Corretta Scott King or Rosa Parks before her she is now the icon for all Black woman and I couldn't have asked for a better role model. She is beautiful, understanding, appreciative and she knows who she is. That is what I want to be. That is who I will become!

Dr. Maya Angelou continued with her wonderful words, she said, "The most important expression you can give a person is 'Thank You,' because 'Thank You' is what you say to God." I never thought of those words in that way. How they are so simple, but they mean so much. I want to say those words more, dig deep in my heart and learn the true meaning of 'Thank You' and give this expression to my friends and family.

I am so happy that I woke up this morning with a new outlook on life and watched Oprah's Legend's Ball Special. It not only renewed my spirit as a woman, but it gave me a new sense of myself. I stand in this day as a black woman with responsibility. I learned today that appreciation is something that I should make a priority. I think I have been walking around so selfish. I never looked at the women that came before me and sacrificed so that I can be me. I learned a lesson this morning.

I have been struggling with my station in life. Where I am, where I want to go, where to live, how to sustain myself. But this morning, I think I have the answer. I need to be content with who I am knowing that I am on a long journey to self discovery and on the eve of my 30th birthday it may just be okay that I don't have it all figured out. But what I do need to do, is be appreciative for what a do have and stop complaining about the things I don't.

My entire life I have struggled to do everything on my own, my own way. I admit now that I need help. Today is the day I stop complaining and start doing. I am sure the woman that attended the luncheon at Oprah's home came upon a time in their life when they needed help and they knew when to ask for it. I am sure that they didn't complain or make excuses when help was not given, I am sure that they probably knew how to give thanks where thanks was due. That is the woman that I want to be. It took 30 years for me to realize this. But I am happy that I did.

Please see some of the words to the Pearl Cleage poem, "We Speak Your Name" below:

Because we are free women,
born of free women,
who are born of free women,
back as far as time begins,
we celebrate your freedom.

Because we are wise women,
born of wise women,
who are born of wise women,
we celebrate your wisdom.

Because we are strong women,
born of strong women,
who are born of strong women,
we celebrate your strength.

Because we are magical women,
born of magical women,
who are born of magical women,
we celebrate your magic.

My sisters,
we are gathered here to speak your names.
We are here because we are your daughters
as surely as if you had conceived us,
nurtured us,
carried us in your wombs,
and then sent us out into the world to make our mark
and see what we see,
and be what we be,
but better,
truer,
deeper
because of the shining example of your own incandescent lives.

We are here to speak your names
because we have enough sense to know
that we did not spring full blown from the forehead of Zeus,
or arrive on the scene like Topsy,
our sister onceremoved, who somehow just growed.

We know that we are walking in footprints made deep
by the confident strides of women
who parted the air before them
like the forces of nature that you are.

We are here to speak your names
because you taught us that the search is always for the truth
and that when people show us who they are,
we should believe them.

We are here because you taught us
that sister speak can continue to be our native tongue,
no matter how many languages we learn as we
move about as citizens of the world
and of the ever-evolving universe.

We are here to speak your names
because of the way you made for us.
Because of the prayers you prayed for us.
We are the ones you conjured up,
hoping we would have strength enough,
and discipline enough,
and talent enough,
and nerve enough
to step into the light when it turned in our direction,
and just smile awhile.

We are the ones you hoped would make you proud
because all of our hard work
makes all of yours part of something better,
truer,
deeper.
Something that lights the way ahead
like a lamp unto our feet,
as steady as the unforgettable beat of our collectiveheart.

We speak your names.
We speak your names.

Grey day

I have an overwhelming case of grey day. I woke up this morning unenthusiastically. I guess it's because I have a plethora of personal issues, to go along with a substantial amount of professional dilemmas.

My love life is in the toilet. I wish I could just flush. But to tell you the truth I am not ready to let go. Good friends of mine are up in the air with life. I know this shouldn't be my concern but the truth is I can't just ignore broken engagements, marriages and lives. Maybe it is not a good time for love.

They say that Grey is the new black; I guess love and mood aren't excluded from this. I want black back. When businesses are in the black, it means they are doing exceptionally well. Even in the movie "My Girl" the color black on Veda’s mood ring signified happiness.

Well, I wish I was in the black. Who likes grey...not me?

Be careful what you wish for

It's been a while. It seems that my visits to this blog are becoming few, far, and inbetween. That's neither here nor there. I just thought that it was time for me to write. I am in a place...a wierd place. I had no idea that this place exsisted. It's some where in the middle between happy & sad and couldn't be more far away from content. I wish I had a name for it.

I finally moved to New York City. I thought I would be happier about this move. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be living in the city, however, I couldn't be more sad about it. I think the older you get the more you wish you had family around you. That isn't an option.

And to top it all off...he's changed....