Time

There's this new guy, he's all the right things. when I met him I didn't expect to be hit in the face with these crazy feelings but the fact of the matter is they are there. Then one day after we hung up from a great conversation I realized that I would be leaving the city soon, and that this wonderful thing would probably change. That change is all because we didn't have enough time. So the following is the product of my thoughts.
____________________________________________________________________

There is not enough time,
time to get to know who you are
and for you to see
me
truly know me
the way I know myself
the scars that I try to hide,
the smiles that dam tears
the heart that wants to give till it hurts.

And I want to know you,
look into your eyes
see your thoughts
hear your fears
carefully place your broken heart in my hands
and
bring you
back
to
life.

I want to know how my hand feels resting in yours
how your lips feel touching my soul
Lay in a neverending afternoon
you supporting my
every
move.

And I hate that soon this summers dream will end
I will wake up.
open my eyes
and realize
that there was never enough time.

Clarity

So this weekend was RETARDED!!! First of all I will start by saying that I have to stop being a social alcoholic. I have been getting way too drunk, way too often. Needless to say with all the drinking comes a fuzzy brain. I have learned very quickly, that when you move like I do (fast and crazy) you can't operate on a fuzzy hung over mind. I lost my ATM card, which is not that bad, cause I didn't have much money anyway; but I am having a spasm about losing my Metro Card. $76 down the drain. And I am sooooo...pissed. Then to top it all off I have disappointed my mother yet again when it comes to money. I am a total mess, but I want to be proactive, and figure out what it is I need to do to fix the situation that I have put myself it. I was thinking about this all morning, then I came into work and checked my e-mail. I saw that my pen pal (yes I have a pen pal) of 14 years e-mailed me. In the body of the e-mail was a poem she had written, that I so desperately needed to read. Thank you Nicole.

never settle, ever patient
never settle for the vision closest to my dream
nor the person closest to LOVE
never settle, ever giving
never settle for an exchange of mindless emotional commerce
nor caged nor buried _expression
never settle, ever receiving
never settle for missing opportunities in my path
nor disconnect from love manifested
never settle, ever wise
never settle for love conquered, pitied, or feared
nor impositions of will and opinion

never settle, ever knowing
never settle for just beyond a doubt but still less than trust
nor a guarantee that i know inside will never come to pass
never settle, ever creating
never settle passively pleading that others to buy into my moments, my dreams
nor give hesitantly give only half of my light
never settle, ever present
never settle for anyone less than I, the feminine masculine free limitless fountain of LIFEç
nor eternity surrendered to false beliefs and comforts
never settle, ever flowing
never settle for stand still nor stalled growth
nor try to force or get in the way of the Divine way

always love trust and accept
always conspire with the Universe
always transcend the grandest vision of SELF
always see love and lovers wherever my eyes shall glance
always go blind to see
always BE an evolving ME
always follow the silver light of moon and bask in the golden warmth of day
always see clearly through clouds and be still in the eye of the storm
always reflect on actions, words, and thoughts
always act on reflections
always dance to the music of life
in all ways live each moment as if it is the Only.

-Nicole Litvak

where do I go from here

I just need to write. I am not sure why, but my heart feels like it is about to bust out of my chest. I am soooo...overwhelmed with emotion. It may be because I feel inadaquite when it comes to my summer job. I am still making mistakes that should not be made, and taking so long to do things that should take five minutes. I figure it is because I am over qualified to be doing this bullsh*t and I don't take pride in it so I make stupid mistakes. I think that I was born to have an assistant, not to be one. But everyone has to start somewhere.

This morning a women called, she was speaking very fast, and asking questions I had no answers to. I tried to get my boss on the cell phone but there was no answer. After the women hung up I attempted to call my boss again. She answered this time. I gave her the information that the woman gave me. I thought that I had done a good job, and was feeling pretty good about myself. Then about ten minutes ago, my boss walked in and chewed me out about not getting enough details telling me, "If I would have done that to my boss she would have fired me." I apologized, she walked away. Now, I am sitting here trying not to cry.

I have no Idea why something like this makes me want to cry, but it does. I think that I am stressed about so many things that I just can't get it together. I am 25 years old, and struggling to find myself. I am the oldest intern in America, and beginning to doubt that I will ever find a real Job. I know that I am qualified to have an entry level Jr. Publicist job, but how do I get my foot in the door. I want to shop myself, but I have to finish school first, and that is the biggest hurdle I have to get over.

I am in a rut...I have been for the past 5 years. Or maybe I am beginning to feel the pressure because my father is retiring and I actually have to take care of myself soon. That is so scary, but exciting. All I want to do is find a job that I love, Something that I feel fulfilled doing. I want to be happy, just like everyone else in this world, but how do you feel good about yourself when everyone looks at you as if you were a failure.

There is also a little issue when it comes to love in my life. but that is a whole other entry.

Just in case you were wondering?

I wish that there was an excuse for the way that I am, but there isn't. I think that I am just that, me and there is nothing that I can do to change that. Sure, my life isn't perfect, and there are changes that can be made. Like I can be more responsible for my spending frenzy's, and I could take more pride in the work that I do. But when it comes to love, I know that that is something that can't be changed and there are no excuses. The way that I love has nothing to do with anything else going on in my life. It is actually the only thing that makes sense when everything else is chaotic. So no, loving you is not an excuse, and me hurting because of this love has nothing to do with anything else.

I am hurt, but I have been for the last 4 years so why should anything change now right? Well, just in case you are wondering, I have tried to surpress these feelings, and I have lied to you, I am sorry, but worse. I have lied to myself. I do love you.

(No this blog will not become a personal message board for you. But sometimes its easier to get out this way.)

This is for you

I began writing this for you right before our vacation, and finished it on the plane ride back to New York. I do know that you are the person that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. However, I don't think that we will; and that may be the saddest truth. So, here it goes:

I don't love you anymore
than I did last week
and anyless than I did last year
or the year before that
or in 2001
When you first saw me
When we layed there,
me with tears rolling down my stolen heart,
and you
trying to comfort the part of you
that had been locked away until that night.
(How did you loose your virginity?)
that was the moment I knew
you would be hard to get over.
I have been trying,
struggling,
lying,
crying,
almost dying to exist in another truth.
Moving on to others
that just
aren't
you;
But I think I'm over that comparison stage,
cause reality is
there will never be another you;
patient,
honest,
hardworking,
non-judgemental,
can't see us as we,
you.
And there's the silver lining,
that someday soon
the Mr. to my Mrs. will want,
need,
dream,
breath,
we.
I know I have blocked blessings
because I am in love with you;
no more than when I first touched this pen to this page
and no less than
the first time I let the four letter curse
bleed from my tounge
and land in your denial.
Giving life to everything you hoped untrue,
prayed would never be
and
you began to push me away; I think.
Ever since that day
I haven't been sure of much
only that you, up till now
have been my beautiful surprise
But I do know that our timing was off
and can't help but wonder if this cycle will ever end
when
you touch more than my body
and kiss more than my lips.
You are a part of me.
A soul once empty is filled
with
you .
I am not sure if we will ever
go our seperate ways,
and not sure if I even want to.
I know that I am not sure of much since you,
But I do know that
I am in love with you;
No more than our last goodbye
and no less than our first hello.

So, there it is the whole truth. Please, don't mention it, I think that I am embarrased.

I hope he learned something

I wanted to help him. I tried talking to him; tried to get him to understand that life was about lessons, and this was a big one he would have to learn. It is easy to give instructions but not the same to take them. He was irritating, but I had patience, too bad no else did. He is gone now, and I do feel bad. With tears in his eyes, he looked at me and said, I just got fired. I didn't know what to do. So i peered down at my paper and said, "I'm sorry."

He wanted this so bad, and was ambitious. Maybe too ambitious for his own good. But he will go on to be successful, after maturity sets in and he realizes that this was just a stepping stone on life's bumpy road. I look forward to seeing him then, when we are both established, and I will tell him that he was always in my prayers. I hope that this will make him stronger, not tear him apart.